It is hard to believe that it has been over a month since I have last written. I have sat in front of a blank screen many times not knowing what to write. Not that I have not had several things going on that I could write books about... I just don't know how to say it. I guess some is stress and some is laziness.
The thing that I struggle with most is wanting to say something important. Wanting what I write to matter. Wanting what I think, what I feel, what I do to make a difference. I think this is something that we all struggle with. We struggle with wanting to be liked... wanting to be important... wanting to have worth. We call friends and vent about our problems because we want our problems to matter. We give advice that we feel is best because we want our words to be important. We tell stories and write blogs so that what we have seen and what we have done has significance. In the end, I think we just want to be loved. But often we are selfish and want to be loved more than we want to love. I am guilty of this. And for this I apologize. I want to be better at loving others. And in a non-selfish way, maybe this will make a better impact for the world that I desire. And I hope that I can begin to use my experiences as lessons along the way. That I could gain Wisdom from all situations in order to be a better man.
This is where I have been this month:
-A few doctors appointments to learn more about our sweet Emma Kate. She is growing well and it looks as though her heart is in good shape for surgeries. It also appears that everything will be able to take place in Atlanta. Praise God for this! This, needless to say, is a blessing that Bethany and I had not even anticipated. It will definitely be a comfort to be surrounded by family during this time.
-Biloxi, twice, gambling so that I could win millions, buy everything Bethany and I ever wanted or needed and all would be right in the world. Both times came away with more than I walked in with and still felt empty. Though I try to convince myself over and over again, it will never be the money that will make me happy. I truly do enjoy playing roulette though. And for some reason... I am good at it. haha
-The Dentist which led to the Oral Surgeon. I like how everyone who talks about getting their wisdom teeth removed all have the same awful reaction. It was very encouraging to hear such "fun" experiences BEFORE mine were removed. And yes, it has been rough and I still don't have feeling in my bottom lip and chin (4 days later) but I will try to be kind in my recollection to those about to endure the experience. And I am thankful for my wife and her ability to comfort and nurture. God has blessed my wife with many wonderful gifts and for some reason blessed me with the rewards.
-Warner Robins to visit my family. It is always way too short a visit and always way too long in between visits. The highlight of the trip was definitely watching my mother dominate the "hula hoop" on the wii fit. It was nice to see us "gamers" fail only to watch mom set the bar high. Keep it up Mom!
-Golfing with Todd and Chad at Farm Links for Father's Day(I didn't forget Megan! But it definitely needed to be a highlight!). Anytime I get to play 36 holes of golf it is a great day but this course made it better. And I was proud of my new found discipline. I didn't drink any of the coke in the glass bottle!
-Virginia to watch my Brother-in-Law Zach graduate high school. While working his after-grad party I realized that I am a lot closer to 30 than I am to 18. And I am strangely ok with this. And I realized that I still love Washington D.C. Something about the city reminds me of being 10 and wanting to be President. Seeing the Declaration of Independence and reading what "ordinary" men wrote and visioned for a country not yet formed is inspiring.
This month has been long and hard, but it has been good. It has been full of lessons that I am seeking hard to grasp. They are pointing me towards a life that perhaps will be difficult. But God has provided me with the tools necessary.
In Troy, Odysseus says "Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved".
My actions may not be echoed across the centuries. But I hope they will make a ripple today. For what I do today matters more than I give credit. And if I can give my all today with love to those that I know, then perhaps this will make more than an echo throughout eternity.